14 years Ago...

December 13, 2000... 14 years ago... A day that's hard to forget and at the same time hard to remember. It was 14 years ago today that my daddy died of a brain tumor. 

It is crazy to think that he has been gone almost longer than I knew him.  And he has definitely been gone longer than any of my siblings knew him.  I have memories, though they are fading, so right now, on this difficult day, I will share a few...

May 15, 1989 - Mother’s Day

I wish I could say I specifically remember this picture, but I don’t.  I remember I always loved picking dandelions and any kind of flower I could get my hands on.  I know that I was excited for my new baby sister that was about to come.  I believe this was actually your due date Sarah, May 15, but being stubborn, you made mommy wait a whole 10 more days!  What do I say about daddy in this picture?  He was a handsome man.  

March 27, 1990 - Daddy’s Birthday

This specific birthday cake I don’t remember, but I do remember that almost every year my mom would make my dad a homemade strawberry cake for his birthday.  That was his favorite!  I love it too! His love for strawberries might be part of the reason I love them so much.  Whenever I have strawberry cake or cupcakes, it brings back many happy memories.  It is amazing the memories that taste and sound can bring back.  Also, the cake is a running shoe.  My dad loved to run.  I love to run too.  After he died, running became a way that I could relate to him now that he was gone.  All of my competitive races have been done in his memory.  According to the cake, he turned 33 that year… that’s weird to think that I am only 3.5 years away from that and my husband turns 33 next year… very weird! I would make Mike a strawberry cake, if only he liked strawberries...

May 1990

This picture just made me laugh.  Apparently it is a polaroid. We all look like we are going to go play golf or something.  The expression on mine and Sarah’s face is priceless.  We just look so confused.  Behind us is father and son.  Two great men, who followed their God, loved their family, served their county, and led a life well-lived.  We miss them both, but because of them, we are who we are today.  When daddy passed away, grandpa stepped in and helped us make it through those next 13 years.  

These pictures are just a small glimpse of so many fun memories! Micah and Bekah,I’m sorry you are not in any of these pictures.  They are from the most recent photo album from Nannie and the rest of my pictures are in storage.  But I want you to know, that you were so loved by your daddy as well.  I know it is hard because you were so young when he died, but I know he would have given anything to be around for more years.  And if he could see what you were doing now, he would be proud.  

Our family has changed.  I can’t imagine life without Scott, Achlee, Alec and Aaron and I am happy to have them as family.  However, especially on the anniversary of his death, I think it is important to remember his life well-lived. We need to remember, who he was, what he accomplished and how he loved.  He was a man that loved his family, loved his God and shared that love with everyone he met. Although, I only knew him for 15 years, I am thankful for the memories and the way he left imprints on all of us, no matter how long he knew us!

I miss you, daddy! Have a Merry Christmas in heaven singing with the angels!

Navigating the Borders

As a grad student at UCSD, I am learning to navigate borders.  There are many borders around me, including the international border that is less than 30 minutes away, but that's not the type of border I am referring to.  A border can also be defined as a boundary line or the edge of something.  I am learning how to navigate the intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and relational borders of being a PhD student, how to create these boundaries, and how to push myself to the edge without falling over.  This is a process and only the beginning of my journey, but here is where I sit near the end of Week 2...

Intellectual: Sponge vs. Sieve
My brain is like a sponge right now, taking so much in and filling every hole.  I am learning to take things in while still categorizing them to reference later.  I am excited about the new material, stimulating conversations, and finally making intellectual connections I had not made before.  However, the border is approaching... I know as I read more taking it all in will be harder to do.  I need to create borders and categories to keep what I am learning in place, so my brain stays as a sponge and does not become a sieve.

Emotional: Calm vs. Stressed
I go from stressed to relaxed within minutes.  I am being more intentional at staying emotionally healthy than during my MA program.  I am running at least three times a week, spending time in reflection (like now), reading my Bible, praying, and making time for my husband.  All these things keep me emotionally balanced on the border and ready to conquer the world.  However, this borderline is hard to navigate because little things can trigger me one way or the other.  There are days where it all seems like too much and I just want to stay in bed; I get overwhelmed with all I have to do, this daunting pile of tasks.  But for now, I am in a healthy place and still enjoying this crazy adventure I've set off on, balancing the border.

Spiritual: Christianity vs. Academia
This border is something I have not navigated well in public, academic contexts in the past.  I want people to appreciate the work I am doing and not write it or me off because I am a Christian, because this is an important part of who I am.  My first few weeks I wasn't prioritizing my relationship with Christ, so this week I am trying to at least read my Bible and pray for a few minutes each morning. The border I need to figure out is how to navigate my religion when it come up within my studies, especially when I should speak up for beliefs and when I will stay quiet.  For now, I haven't had to approach this border, but I need to be ready when it comes.

Relational: New vs. Old Friendships
It is crazy to think I will spend the next eight years of my life with these people.  There are some good people in my program and I hope I can form some great relationships.  However, it is hard being married in grad school.  Many of the women in my grad program are in a different stage of life or their significant others are in another place, so they have more time for studying and hanging out instead of balancing school and family.  There are a few couples that I hope we can connect with, but I don't know how to begin that relationship.  I also still need to form a community of people to encourage me spiritually, at least I have my husband on my side praying with me and supporting me through this process.  At times, I really miss my friends and community.  I miss having someone to share half my brain (and heart) with, I miss my small group of ladies I met with each week, I miss my running buddy, I miss my couple friends (though we were just forming those), I miss everyone in my church community.  Also, I miss my adorable little niece, but that is something altogether different :) and probably related to the questions of motherhood going through my mind, but that is for another post.  I need to find the border of creating new friendships, keeping my husband as a priority, and not losing my old friendships.

So why am I writing about all these borders?  Because they exist, because I don't know how to navigate them, because I want a healthy and fulfilling graduate experience, because I'm looking for advice, because I needed to process, because I was singing this morning, "Bless the Lord, oh my soul... whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, may I be singing when the evening comes."  I truly want to be singing each morning.  I want to navigate these borders in a way that I don't forsake my past, but that I build on it and become a stronger, fuller person through this process, so I can sing "Bless the Lord" no matter what comes.

Through the Thick Clouds...

Thick Clouds Lay Before

Though the clouds be thick before me,

Though my future be unknown,

Though I only can see the present,

Each day my path is shown.

You always walk before me,

As you clear away the sky,

Until I sense your presence,

And my heart is lifted high.

Each morning I'll lift your praises,

Each day I'll show your love,

As you slowly lead me forward,

I'll trust in you, my Lord I love. 

By RDEH

Trusting What I've Received

God has provided so much. We prayed for housing; I am now sitting in an apartment a week before school starts. We prayed for jobs; I got a TA position the day before I had to take a loan and Mike got a job this week. We are still praying for things such as good community, an advisor for my research, and a smooth transition, but I can sense God providing these things already.

So now, I must trust. As Brennsn Manning's spiritual director told him, I too must "trust what I have received." Trust has been a hard journey for me throughout my life, but God has never stopped providing or guiding me. 

As I embark on this new phase of life, I must trust that God has brought me here. He wants me here. He has provided for me and guided me thus far. All the things we have been asking for to have confirmation, he has confirmed. So I must move forward with trust. 

Brennan Manning writes, "There are as few who respond to his [God's] goodness by a trust at once filial and unshaken. And so it is that he welcomes with a love of predilection those souls, all too few in number, who in adversity as in joy, in tribulation and consolation, unfalteringly trust in God’s paternal love."

This is what I long for... To unfalteringly trust God in adversity and in joy, in tribulation and consolation. I will have trials and celebrations throughout my PhD program and in all of them, I will trust that God has brought me here and he is guiding me. I will trust what I have received. 

(View from the porch of our new apartment)

Let God Arise LB

A few months ago, churches in Long Beach gathered together at an event called Let God Arise.  It was a night of prayer for the city of Long Beach.  We prayed that God would arise in a few areas: Holiness, Unity, Love, Passion for His Presence, and Courage of the Holy Spirit.  We sang the song How Great is Our God over and over.  It was a beautiful time of worship and prayer in English, Spanish and Khmer. These are some of my reflections from that night.  They are written as a conversation with God.  I asked questions and God gave me answers.  I then embraced the answers and put them in my own words and applications.  The beginning of the blog is what I wrote that night and the end is my thoughts as we move forward.

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HOLINESS 
What is holiness?
Holiness is You, oh God. You are holy. 

How can we be holy? If holiness is something that is you in your essence, how can we be holy?
It is through Jesus. Jesus allows us to be a holy. Because of the salvation through Jesus, we as his children are made holy.

But how do we live that out, God? How do we become holy?
Through you, Lord. When you arise in our hearts, when we put you first, then we are holy. 

If that is how we become holy then, Oh Lord, arise in our hearts!

What does it mean to arise?
It means to be filled up and completely full with you. Overflowing with your holiness. Overflowing with your love. Over flowing with your joy. When we are full of these things then we can stand. We can arise like the mountains in the distance. 

When we arise we become:

• something others look to as beautiful, like the mountains, but we are only this way because You make us beautiful.  
• some place people can come to meet you because you are in us. 
• something that stands out and is different from everything around us. 
• an example of you in this city. 

We arise with you but first you must arise in us.  So, Lord arise in us. Fill us with holiness so that you can arise!

UNITY and LOVE
How do we express unity and love?

After tonight, we walk out as one people, filling this city with love. We are an army not with weapons, but with love. 

Imagine... if the church next to us wasn't strangers, but our friends. Imagine the difference we would have in our neighborhoods if we worked together. Instead of isolated soldiers, we become an army filling the streets, loving each other, loving our neighbors.

I see life and growth blooming like flowers in the spring, full of life like trees in the summer, not dying in the heat and trials of our world, but supporting each other. We are sharing the same roots that drink from the river of life. Like an aspen tree we all share one root, rooted in the love and unity of Christ.  Like an aspen, we aren't one by ourselves; we grow in groups. Where one of us is, more of us grow. We rely on each other - the WHOLE BODY of CHRIST. 

PASSION FOR YOUR PRESENCE

During this time God said one thing to me: "Just be still and know that I am God."
And he gave me this passage:

Psalm 46

God is our refuge and strength,

an ever present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the desolations he has brought on the earth.  

He makes wars cease

to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

he burns the shields with fire.

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

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Now, as the days and weeks have passed since this worship-filled night, I wonder... Do people ever think of this night?  What did people take away? Have we as the church of LB grown in holiness, courage, unity, love, or courage of the Spirit?  How can we move forward from here so that it is not an isolated experience, but the beginning of God doing something great?

Once again, it is with bittersweet thoughts that I express these words.  Long Beach is a wonderful place.  I like to call it one of the biggest small towns I've ever lived in.  There is such diversity and such community here.  There is great need and great things God is doing.  I'm sad to leave this city and my church when I see the beginning of God doing great things.  But, I know that God will continue to work here.  God's omnipresence and faithfulness will never cease to amaze me.  As I move away, I will be praying for the work happening here.  I will pray that God continues to draw churches and communities together to make a deep impact in Long Beach and heal the hurting people so that God can truly arise!

No matter where I am at, Long Beach will always have a piece of my heart.  I <3 LB! 

My Mount Sinai

Not in the roll of thunder or the crashing wave, but in the gentle breeze and the still small voice, that's where I encounter God. In my seven years in Long Beach, I have had one place I go to in times of need, in times of praise, in times of solitude, and in times of reflection. A favorite place to encounter God through that still small voice and gentle breeze, my Mount Sinai. Although the city is bustling below me and there are many passersby on their daily workouts, on top of my Sinai, I found God.

My usual time of meditation begins with a run up the steep side of Signal Hill. Once to Panorama Ridge, I take a deep breath, feel the breeze on my face, and begin to pray. As I walk along the hilltop, I see the majesty of God in mountains, the awesomeness of God in the vast ocean, and the omnipresence of God through the urban sprawl of LA. In a city that seems so large, being able to see from the Pacific Ocean, to the San Bernardino Mountains, from Huntington Beach and the Port of LA to the Hollywood sign all in one place, makes us all seem so connected. I am reminded of my insignificance compared to God, but also my value in God's eyes as his beloved child.

Today as I wander this beautiful hilltop, I reflect on all the prayers, petitions, and praises that I have sent to God from this hillside. God has been so faithful to me over these last seven years. He brought a sheltered, shy girl to live in a big city all by herself. He blessed me with an apartment and many wonderful roommates and happy memories. Despite my fears of trusting, he gave me a church family that I truly love and who I know will continue to support me. In Long Beach, I have met many unique people and have had many experiences that opened my eyes to the world around me. So many firsts: from attending a public school, to partying with friends, to living on my own, to a first kiss, to traveling the world, to seeing real poverty and need, to getting married... the list goes on and on. I have grown in so many ways and I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for my time, experiences, and friends here in Long Beach. And at each of these turning points and new experiences, I met God here, on my Sinai. He heard my cries of loneliness and confusion, he rejoiced in my accomplishments and celebrations, and he continues to guide me step by step as he has through these last seven years.

As I run down from this hilltop today, it is very bittersweet. I have joy in all God has brought me through and faith that he will continue to guide me. I also have a sadness of heart with the realization that all too soon I will leave this behind. Yes there is excitement about the new things to come, but there are also uncertainties in the unknowns. No matter what, I know God will go with me even if my Sinai is miles away. Just as he guided the Israelites through the desert to a promised land, he will guide me through the unknowns along the path he has planned for me. I just pray that in the craziness of grad school that I will be able to find a new place where I can feel the gentle breeze, sense God's presence and hear that still, small voice. 

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For those I am leaving behind in Long Beach, I encourage you to visit my Mount Sinai (aka Signal Hill Park) and encounter God for yourself through the beauty of creation and his still, small voice. 

Also, I would love to hear about your Mt. Sinais - your places where you encounter God, so please share in the comments!

I Love The Rain

I love the rain. 

The pitter patter falling all around outside. The much needed drink it brings to our dried out earth. The splish splash as you step in puddles and the spray as you drive through them. The droplets making their daring journey down your window, never sure where they will end up.  

And I love the way everything looks after the rain. The clear blue skies, the mountains in the distance, and the occasional rainbow to bring a smile to your face. 

I love the rain.

A Cup of Tea

Snow falling all around as

Wind whips through the trees. 

Sun shining through the window

Warming me as I sip a cup of tea. 

I ponder life, I ponder the future,

I sit amazed at nature's beauty. 

Snow capped mountains, Dormant trees

Contrasting blues, greens and white. 

Peacefulness on a busy street. 

Gentle music, serene views, 

A book and delicious tea. 

An afternoon waning away 

With beauty and simplicity. 

On this lazy afternoon in Colorado Springs, I sit in an Orthodox Greek bookstore and coffee shop. The serenity of the views and environment bring a deep sense of peace and rest. My anxious heart wants to worry because of future uncertainty, but my mind wants to escape. I disappear into a book, sip my tea, and surrender to God. Although there are disappointments and unknowns ahead, I trust he has a plan. I trust he knows the future and what is best for me.  I trust he is leading me and my husband. Although tears may come, right now I must enjoy his moment. I must rest in God and the beauty of creation. I must enjoy my cup of tea. 

New Year's Resolutions are NOT my Thing!

It's the end of January 2014 and I did not make a New Year's Resolution and I'm okay with that. Yes, in my ideal world, I still would love to continue a photographic blog sharing my life through images, and maybe someday (or some days) I will, but it is not a Resolution.  I have not succeeded in this resolution for the past two years, so it is time for something new. I am tired of making resolutions I cannot keep, but I am still open to some goals.  So for all it's worth here are some goals for 2014. 

1. Love my Husband - learn what it means to be a wife and truly and deeply love my husband and learn to accept his love in return.  In doing this, we will lay a solid foundation for our marriage.

2. Write more - Whether blogs, private journals, poetry, or academic articles, I want to challenge myself to reflect on things around me.

3. Love those around me - I want my family and friends to know I value them and our relationships.  I want to be intentional about loving them.

4.  Enjoy life - Yes, this is ambiguous, but I want to have fun, try new things, explore and just enjoy whatever comes my way.

5. Grow as a child of God - I want to grow closer to my Savior and be able to accept and share his love in new ways.

So for now, those are my goals.  I'm open to more (and do have a few in mind), but these are goals that inspire me and I know I can succeed in and grow through the process.  Who knows, maybe I will share the process this year in the blog!  We will see!