From death to life. From family old to new.

December 13 came and went. I thought of you. But as time goes by, it gets harder to reflect. The memories once vivid, slowly fade. This year I remembered the last time I saw you awake, right before my Skatie Hawkins. You smiled and I could tell you thought I looked beautiful. You were proud. The days that followed were some of the most painful, watching you fight for life and take your last breath. But if I can step back from the pain of those moments, I can remember the love you had for all of us.  

My family around 1998

It's hard to believe I've lived over half my life without you. You are very missed, but God has been gracious to our family. He gave us more family to fill the hole - a stepdad/husband, sisters and brothers and I can't imagine my life without them. Isn't it odd how I can miss you so much and wish you were still here yet be thankful for the new family? 

My family in 2009

I know you wanted this. You wanted us to move forward once you were gone and keep living life. I just wish that sometimes you could come back and see what and how we are all doing. That you could meet mine and Rebekah's husbands, that you could meet your granddaughter Emmalyn, that you could see your son and the wonderful man he is becoming, and also that you could meet the new family God has given to us since you've been gone. You would give us each bear hugs and butterfly kisses. Maybe we would go for a run together and talk about all the things I never got to ask you. After a big family BBQ with swimming and fun, you could return to heaven and our hearts would all be warmer with the fresh memories... but alas, that's not possible. We must try to remember the old and be thankful for the new. 

My devotion today said: "In the storm and in the night, there is waiting. Stillness. Apprehension. Tension.

When the sun rises and the clouds clear, the world stirs. Hope. Resolution...

"This is the most natural of cycles. At any given second in time, the sun is rising somewhere in the world. Somewhere in the world the rain is giving way to clearer skies. Every second of life is full of death giving way to life, winter to spring, sleeping stillness to the bustling of life...

"The deep, deep love of Jesus frames every storm and every night in a new way, glorious tensions that allude to the glorious resolution already won..."

I think that is what happens in the final stages of grief where we move on and remember. Death brings forth new lives and blessings. Although there is an apprehension and pain as we long to be together again with our loved ones, there is also hope and a new day. All around us God brings life. We need to take time to see that and be thankful. And we have hope of one day being together again in heaven. My devotion also connected this to the story of Christ: his lowly birth and life, his death and then resurrection. In him we have our greatest hope. I know you believed that with all your heart and lived that out, daddy; I'm trying to do the same. 

So even though I miss you and I don't always take time to reflect on your absence, it's because I'm trying to run the race of life like you did. I miss you and wish you were here but I'm also thankful for the blessings God has bestowed in your absence.  God has brought life where there was death.

I love you so much daddy! Enjoy your 16th Christmas in heaven this year! XOXO