As a grad student at UCSD, I am learning to navigate borders. There are many borders around me, including the international border that is less than 30 minutes away, but that's not the type of border I am referring to. A border can also be defined as a boundary line or the edge of something. I am learning how to navigate the intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and relational borders of being a PhD student, how to create these boundaries, and how to push myself to the edge without falling over. This is a process and only the beginning of my journey, but here is where I sit near the end of Week 2...
Intellectual: Sponge vs. Sieve
My brain is like a sponge right now, taking so much in and filling every hole. I am learning to take things in while still categorizing them to reference later. I am excited about the new material, stimulating conversations, and finally making intellectual connections I had not made before. However, the border is approaching... I know as I read more taking it all in will be harder to do. I need to create borders and categories to keep what I am learning in place, so my brain stays as a sponge and does not become a sieve.
Emotional: Calm vs. Stressed
I go from stressed to relaxed within minutes. I am being more intentional at staying emotionally healthy than during my MA program. I am running at least three times a week, spending time in reflection (like now), reading my Bible, praying, and making time for my husband. All these things keep me emotionally balanced on the border and ready to conquer the world. However, this borderline is hard to navigate because little things can trigger me one way or the other. There are days where it all seems like too much and I just want to stay in bed; I get overwhelmed with all I have to do, this daunting pile of tasks. But for now, I am in a healthy place and still enjoying this crazy adventure I've set off on, balancing the border.
Spiritual: Christianity vs. Academia
This border is something I have not navigated well in public, academic contexts in the past. I want people to appreciate the work I am doing and not write it or me off because I am a Christian, because this is an important part of who I am. My first few weeks I wasn't prioritizing my relationship with Christ, so this week I am trying to at least read my Bible and pray for a few minutes each morning. The border I need to figure out is how to navigate my religion when it come up within my studies, especially when I should speak up for beliefs and when I will stay quiet. For now, I haven't had to approach this border, but I need to be ready when it comes.
Relational: New vs. Old Friendships
It is crazy to think I will spend the next eight years of my life with these people. There are some good people in my program and I hope I can form some great relationships. However, it is hard being married in grad school. Many of the women in my grad program are in a different stage of life or their significant others are in another place, so they have more time for studying and hanging out instead of balancing school and family. There are a few couples that I hope we can connect with, but I don't know how to begin that relationship. I also still need to form a community of people to encourage me spiritually, at least I have my husband on my side praying with me and supporting me through this process. At times, I really miss my friends and community. I miss having someone to share half my brain (and heart) with, I miss my small group of ladies I met with each week, I miss my running buddy, I miss my couple friends (though we were just forming those), I miss everyone in my church community. Also, I miss my adorable little niece, but that is something altogether different :) and probably related to the questions of motherhood going through my mind, but that is for another post. I need to find the border of creating new friendships, keeping my husband as a priority, and not losing my old friendships.
So why am I writing about all these borders? Because they exist, because I don't know how to navigate them, because I want a healthy and fulfilling graduate experience, because I'm looking for advice, because I needed to process, because I was singing this morning, "Bless the Lord, oh my soul... whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, may I be singing when the evening comes." I truly want to be singing each morning. I want to navigate these borders in a way that I don't forsake my past, but that I build on it and become a stronger, fuller person through this process, so I can sing "Bless the Lord" no matter what comes.
