From death to life. From family old to new.

December 13 came and went. I thought of you. But as time goes by, it gets harder to reflect. The memories once vivid, slowly fade. This year I remembered the last time I saw you awake, right before my Skatie Hawkins. You smiled and I could tell you thought I looked beautiful. You were proud. The days that followed were some of the most painful, watching you fight for life and take your last breath. But if I can step back from the pain of those moments, I can remember the love you had for all of us.  

My family around 1998

It's hard to believe I've lived over half my life without you. You are very missed, but God has been gracious to our family. He gave us more family to fill the hole - a stepdad/husband, sisters and brothers and I can't imagine my life without them. Isn't it odd how I can miss you so much and wish you were still here yet be thankful for the new family? 

My family in 2009

I know you wanted this. You wanted us to move forward once you were gone and keep living life. I just wish that sometimes you could come back and see what and how we are all doing. That you could meet mine and Rebekah's husbands, that you could meet your granddaughter Emmalyn, that you could see your son and the wonderful man he is becoming, and also that you could meet the new family God has given to us since you've been gone. You would give us each bear hugs and butterfly kisses. Maybe we would go for a run together and talk about all the things I never got to ask you. After a big family BBQ with swimming and fun, you could return to heaven and our hearts would all be warmer with the fresh memories... but alas, that's not possible. We must try to remember the old and be thankful for the new. 

My devotion today said: "In the storm and in the night, there is waiting. Stillness. Apprehension. Tension.

When the sun rises and the clouds clear, the world stirs. Hope. Resolution...

"This is the most natural of cycles. At any given second in time, the sun is rising somewhere in the world. Somewhere in the world the rain is giving way to clearer skies. Every second of life is full of death giving way to life, winter to spring, sleeping stillness to the bustling of life...

"The deep, deep love of Jesus frames every storm and every night in a new way, glorious tensions that allude to the glorious resolution already won..."

I think that is what happens in the final stages of grief where we move on and remember. Death brings forth new lives and blessings. Although there is an apprehension and pain as we long to be together again with our loved ones, there is also hope and a new day. All around us God brings life. We need to take time to see that and be thankful. And we have hope of one day being together again in heaven. My devotion also connected this to the story of Christ: his lowly birth and life, his death and then resurrection. In him we have our greatest hope. I know you believed that with all your heart and lived that out, daddy; I'm trying to do the same. 

So even though I miss you and I don't always take time to reflect on your absence, it's because I'm trying to run the race of life like you did. I miss you and wish you were here but I'm also thankful for the blessings God has bestowed in your absence.  God has brought life where there was death.

I love you so much daddy! Enjoy your 16th Christmas in heaven this year! XOXO 

I stand with you

As many of you know, I'm a very empathetic person. I've been crying all morning. Not for fear of my own safety, but for all of those who may be negatively affected by Trump's presidency. Before bed, I prayed for protection for this country specifically for people of color, the LGBTQ community, immigrants, and women, especially those who fall into multiple categories. I can only imagine the fear that many of you are facing. I will continue to pray for your protection and peace.

I also sat helpless wondering what now? What can I do? And I return once again to the idea of bringing change in my own sphere of influence. Today I started my class by reminding my students who are afraid, that I am here if they want to talk. I also encouraged my students who might not be carrying the same fear to be advocates and supports in their community.  I encouraged them to make their classes, dorm rooms and other spaces a place where everyone feels welcomed and accepted no matter their religion, race or gender, because we who can, need to stand up for and support those who can't.

In my conversation, some of my students expressed fear of deportation and the wall, but even more, people were afraid of the discourse that has been made acceptable because of this election season. My students have already lived through aggression and racial rhetoric at UCSD during this election season. Although they are strong, it has caused deep pain and they have had enough. I think this is another place we need to have a voice. Just because racism and sexism were used by our president-elect doesn't make them right. When we see, hear or encounter these discourses we must speak against them. We must speak up for those who feel voiceless or threatened and show people that as Americans, this is not who we are. 

Secretary Clinton said in her speech this morning that throughout her career she has faced many setbacks but keeps pushing on. She admonished us to keep fighting for what we believe, because we are the ones that can bring change. I do not yet know what this looks like practically (and I'd like to hear from friends more connected to advocacy and friends more affected than me what would really help). However, I think in the mean time, we need to have respectful conversations, create safe spaces for everyone through our actions and words, and seek peace while pursuing change. 

I think this is also a time to really live out our morals, especially when the government might be marginalizing those we care about. Those who are Christians, this is a chance for us to extend love to everyone, to feed the hungry and poor, to care for the widow. We should not rely on the government to do the work we've been asked to do. This is our chance to love our neighbor (no matter how different they are). We need to work hard to do good and bring change while being ministers of peace... which leads me to my final point.

One of the the great things about our democracy is a peaceful transition of power. Many of us are angry and hurt, but Trump has been chosen as our next president. Although it might be hard, we must allow this to transfer peacefully. It doesn't mean we have to stop fighting for what's important, but we do have to recognize and accept him as the next president. Those of you who are praying people, this is a chance to pray that Mr. Trump will have wisdom and clarity as a leader and pray that he will find ways to "make America great" by making it an America for ALL people. We can also pray for good advisers around him that will give him wisdom and that he will accept that with humility. And even more importantly, as I already said, we must continue to pray for each other in this time of transition and in the years ahead and as we pray, we must find ways to stand up and speak out for what is right. 

Although hash tags mean very little in bringing real change, I feel like we need a new one that shows solidarity for everyone. A hash tag that bridges racial and political divides, because reconciliation is what our country needs. Something like #imwithyou because we as a nation need to come together and stand together no matter our differences. We need to let marginalized communities know they are not alone in this journey.  We stand with them... #imwithyou

The Pursuit of Purity

I never read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but I was raised in the 1990s evangelical culture that was permeated by ideas of sexual purity that came out of this and other similar books. For years, the church's view of sexuality has haunted and challenged me.  With the recent questioning by Joshua Harris of his book, and after reading this blog by Addie Zierman reflecting on the single narrative that permeated Christian culture in the nineties, I was challenged to share the thoughts that have haunted me for so long.

I was raised attending a Christian school and youth group every week.  Overall, this was a positive experience for me that challenged and made my faith stronger.  It gave me a strong network of friends and leaders that supported me and my family through difficult times.  I am very thankful for that and I wouldn't change it.  However, I would have appreciated a different or at least more comprehensive narrative of sexuality.

I was encouraged to save myself for marriage.  I was told that kissing, being alone with a guy, (and jokingly, dancing), led to babies.  I was admonished that as a girl I should dress modestly so that I would not cause my brothers to stumble, because only guys are tempted by pornography and masturbation and struggle with lust.  It was ingrained in me that sex outside of marriage was bad. And deep inside, I started to see myself as bad because I longed for everything I "shouldn't" have. Since I believed only guys struggled with these things, I couldn't tell anyone.  I felt like an anomaly and a dirty person... I felt like my sexually impure thoughts were also making me spiritually impure... It wasn't until college when I was finally able to share with a dear friend these struggles that I found out that I was not alone.  We started reflecting together how Christian romance novels had tainted the way we saw and understood sex, love and marriage.  We still wanted to save ourselves for marriage, but we began to realize that the lines of what that meant were not as clear as we were taught.  And that is where I wish I had heard other narratives...

After college, I began my first real relationship.  This guy who claimed to be a Christian pushed all the boundaries I held.  The first time we kissed laying down on the couch I felt like I had done something horribly wrong.  In some ways, the fact that he challenged these strict arbitrary boundaries was good because many were unnecessary, and it made me think about why I held them.  But because I had only heard one narrative of sexual purity, I was left alone once again trying to figure how far was too far when I had already crossed boundaries I was told not to cross in high school.  I was plagued by guilt in everything I did, like laying down to kiss.

I want to back up for one minute.  I think saving yourself for marriage, especially in high school, is a healthy boundary.  Sex is a powerful thing and especially someone's first sexual experience sticks with them forever.  High schoolers and junior high schoolers are balls of emotions and hormones. Avoiding sex at that stage of life is good, especially when "dating" often lasts a few weeks.  But instead of just saying don't have sex because its bad, I think honest conversations need to happen about why we create boundaries and then help teens decide what boundaries are important to them instead of telling them not to cross some arbitrary line. There should be a safe space for people who are "struggling" with something or want advice, no matter their gender or age.  We need to improve the narratives available and open up the conversations within the church and Christian community.

Which leads me to another issue that has bothered me about the Christian church for far too long. Sex is often seen as the ultimate sin.  It is put on a pedestal.  Struggling with lies, greed, pride, hate or any other thing is normal, but sex... committing sexual sins is horrible, topped only by murder.  Yes, some may say that sex and murder are different because these sins affect other people while the others are personal.  However, I would argue that all sin is bad and when any one sin takes control of a person it can lead to division in the church and hurt among people.  Sexual sins, like all sins, inhibit our relationship with God, but sexual sins need to be taken off the pedestal.  Only then can we have open conversations about the type of purity God wants in our lives and only then can we also recognize all the other sins plaguing the church today.

Back to my story... this boyfriend ended up pushing me to do things I never wanted to do. Laying down on the couch to make out was fine, but the pushing continued and continued until I gave it all away and the pain and hurt seeped deeper and deeper.  According to the sexual purity culture that I was raised in, I was now broken and impure.  But the truth? Through this experience, I learned the truth of what unconditional love is.  A few dear friends, and even my mom, came around me at that time and showed me love despite my "mistakes." They told me they still loved me for who I was, even the "broken" parts, which to them weren't really broken. That love was a glimpse of the love God has for me. Through these friends, I experienced God's grace and forgiveness.  In God's eyes I still was his beautiful child that he loved immensely, more beautiful than the flowers of the fields.  The pain and hurt of the relationship lingered, but it wasn't the sex itself that caused the pain.  It was the disrespect and dishonesty I experienced from my boyfriend and the guilt that plagued me for so many years.

Do I think it would have been better if I kissed dating goodbye?  I would have been saved from some pain, but I learned so much through dating. So no, it wouldn't have been better. After that boyfriend, I was able to go on dates, have fun, and figure out what I wanted in a guy.  That relationship helped me see my own insecurities and grow into a stronger woman from them.

Fast forward to the present.  I am now in a healthy and loving relationship with my husband of three years.  Thankfully, in our dating relationship my husband and I had open communication and figured out the boundaries that worked for us, so that pain did not wedge between us.  Neither of us pushed the other to do something we were uncomfortable with, which built deep trust and respect.  These boundaries were very different and much looser than the ones suggested by the Christian purity culture, but they were the ones that worked for us and the ones we felt that were honoring to God in our situation.  And this is what I have learned, the boundaries for sexual purity are not black and white.  What is right for one couple, might be wrong for another.  What is wrong in high school might be okay in your twenties.  What we must ask ourselves is if what we are doing is preventing us from growing closer to God?  If it is, then something is misaligned and a change needs to be made.  In my Biblical study of sexual immorality, the only clear boundary I found was that God desires us to have a pure heart.  Anything that comes between us and him is a sin.  It seems like some sexual practices in the Bible are not ideal and cause unnecessary pain, but it all comes back to being in relationship with Christ and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in our lives.  Anything that inhibits that, is where we should draw the line.

So what am I trying to get at?  It is time to open up our narratives.  We need to listen to one another and figure out together how to talk about sex in a healthy way.  Life and marriage is not all like a Christian romance novel and that's okay.  Some people might have that story, but many don't.  I haven't figured out all the answers and what this all looks like practically, but I am thankful that these conversations are finally out in the open.  All of us who were raised during the nineties at the peak of the sexual purity culture, now have a chance to talk about this with others and discover what narrative(s) we will share with our own children.  I don't think our parents, pastors, authors or other Christian leaders should be blamed.  They were teaching what they thought was best. They lived through the sexual revolution and the beginning of the AIDS epidemic and were just trying to figure out how to raise children who loved the Lord as society was quickly changing all around them. And now we, the children of the eighties and nineties, face the same challenge.  Will we keep the narrative that we were raised with or will we present multiple narratives?  Will we live in fear of the changing society?  Or will we seek ways to engage with the culture around us and live as Christians in new and different ways?

I don't think there is one right answer, but we now see that living by one single narrative of purity is not the answer. Instead of being rigid in our boundaries and beliefs, we have a chance to share God's grace and love in new ways.  Let's keep talking.  Let's share how our God is not a god to be feared because of his rules, but a God of unconditional love, redemptive healing, forgiveness and grace.

I have been silent for far too long...

My heart cries out.  I have been silent for far too long.  After every murder in the last few months, my heart has been heavy.  I’ve grieved. I’ve cried.  I’ve prayed.  My heart has been broken for all the innocent lives lost, but I have also felt muted and unable to say anything.

Who am I to have something to say?  I am a middle class white person with privilege and education.  I do not face the discrimination that so many people of color face every day.  I am able to go through life without fear of death or being treated unfairly and that is wrong.  Everyone, no matter their color, gender or religion, should be free and able to walk the streets without fear of death or discrimination - isn’t that what life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are about?

One of the reasons I have remained silent is because emotional posts just feed fires that are unhelpful and often hurtful.  Bickering with trolls on social media is not the answer.  Social media posts also just seem so superficial to me.  Someone just lost a son, a father, a brother.  Those families are in pain.  It seems insensitive to make a death of a loved one a political statement.  I could have used a hashtag and sent my thoughts and prayers to the family and friends whose loved ones were killed, but once again it seems superficial.  I become just one more hashtag.  One more person that posts and then walks away.  Once again, that’s not right.  I want to do or say more.  Standing in solidarity is good and I do, but I also want to see change.  

I am grieving for the deaths of #AltonSterling, #PhilandoCastile, and all the people in Orlando.  I am grieving for the people in Iraq, Turkey and elsewhere who have been killed.  I have watched each video.  Cried with the families and cried out to God.  I am praying for comfort and justice because this violence has gone on for far too long.  I just also long to do something more than a hashtag. One of my friends shared this on facebook about actual ways to help #blacklivesmatter.  I am starting by speaking up.  It is time for a change.  These inequalities are rooted deeply.  We need changes in our education system, changes in our societal structure and changes in our police protocol. We need to be aware of the social inequalities built into our society and institutions that cause structural racism and we need to begin to change it.

If you are white and have not watched the videos, I challenge you to and if your reaction is anything but grief for the lives lost, you may want to reconsider your priorities.   No matter where you fall politically or your views on gun control and police training, people died and that matters. #Blacklivesmatter and #bluelivesmatter, because all lives matter, but the reason everyone focuses on #blacklivesmatter is because despite our "equal" society, people of color still face discrimination daily. This piece says it better than I can.

For me, I am seeking change within my sphere of influence and moving out from there. I am going to be more intentional about critically talking about racial issues with my students. Here's some ways to do that.  My sphere of influence currently is friends and family, who I hope will dialogue with me about this, and the students I teach throughout the year.  We need to expand our worldviews and understandings, speak up and speak out.  Though it is unfair that white people have privileges that people of color do not, we need to use that privilege to bring change so everyone shares the same freedom.  So I am asking other people like me to evaluate their everyday lives, speak up in their sphere of influence, and seek ways to end violence and bring justice. Even a small drop can cause a great ripple.

I didn't want this post to get political, because innocent lives were lost, so I want to take a moment to remember Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, all those in Orlando, and the numerous others who have been killed by both police brutality and terrorists attacks. I also want to remember the police officers killed in the Dallas shooting last night. My heart and prayers go out to you and your families. Justice is needed, but the violence needs to stop.

For those who want to read more, here are some helpful posts by others speaking about these issues:

Ways to be a blacklivesmatter ally and educate yourself
http://www.maximummiddleage.com/right-now/alton-sterling-philando-castile-how-to-be-an-ally-to-black-people#.V35x5Q7KUiw.facebook
http://www.ravishly.com/2015/04/10/what-you-can-do-right-now-about-police-brutality

Examples of ways to talk and teach about race http://citizenshipandsocialjustice.com/2015/07/10/curriculum-for-white-americans-to-educate-themselves-on-race-and-racism/

Posts from People of Color to share their perspective
http://ebonyegussinewilkins.com/2016/07/06/the-fine-line-between-awareness-and-exploitation/
http://www.jetmag.com/life/alton-sterling-breathing-while-black/
http://www.sheknows.com/living/articles/1125715/alton-sterling-shooting
http://bossip.com/1330821/for-my-son-in-the-event-the-police-leave-you-fatherless/

Other things worthy of reading:
http://www.norvillerogers.com/philando-castile/
http://fusion.net/story/170591/the-next-time-someone-says-all-lives-matter-show-them-these-5-paragraphs/